Also , sometime soon I need to figure out a new background because this one reminds me of my panties when my Aunt Blood makes an unannounced visit in town. Whore.
(As posted 7/20/2011)
15 September 2011
You've Got Me Feeling Emotion (Deeper than I've Ever Dreamed Of)
AS POSTED ON 7/20/2011:
In 42ish hours, I will take a swig of water, get into my car. I will place my sandals between myself and the door and then I will reach into a pile and pull out a compact disc. I will then insert said disc into my car's cd player, at which point the music will play through the car's system. Shortly after this happens, I will put the car in gear, and I will drive my happy ass to South Carolina. To live. There. In South Carolina.
Even as I type this out, to extreme detail, it is still not really setting in. I suppose it probably will not either until I'm half way through Montana and reach for the frosted animal crackers.
Idk what it is but I have not been able to fully grieve this move. Thankfully in part to the ass hats I keep acquainting myself with as I drive down the streets of Renton (drivers I say!) or perhaps it's because I have been totally Lorelei'ing this (too soon. It's too soon to cry.), no matter the reason, it has not sunk in.
Do not get me wrong- what I lack in normal responses I make up for in abnormal. Example- I said goodbye to my beloved bible study the other night. The women I have grown up with for the past year. We have been through so much together. Beautiful marriages, ugly divorces, child rearing, custody battles, job promotions, rounds of layoffs: sickness and in health. I love these women and through our experiences, have grown more fond of them than I can express in words. However, when it came to say goodbye, I was dry as a drought. Let's not get it twisted- I have my waterworks moments as well. I'm not proud to say that the other day, I cried at Scrubs. Carla wanted Turk to have the mole on his upper lip removed because it was gross to her. "Not fair!" I declared through my sobs, "She's got a man to come home to and she has a stable, respectable career and she looks awesome in scrubs. She has friends who are boys, a sassy boss, has quirky coworkers (long live Janitor!), looks good regardless of what her hair is doing, AND she's bilingual. How ungrateful! Carla's a bitch!" (It is important at this time to note that at any other moment of my existence, Carla is my favorite character.
I did cry for 15 minutes in my friends' driveway when I was retrieving my stuff from its storage place in their house. But I blamed that on back pain.
Currently, I'm choosing to believe that I have too much yet to do before I can allow myself to feel sad. Every time I think I'm ready, I find another box to mail or bag to pack. And every time I find a box to mail or bag to pack I throw up. Kidding. But how great would that be- seriously give me half a day and I'll shed 15, easy.
sometime soon I need to figure out a new background because this one reminds me of my panties when my Aunt Blood makes an unannounced visit to town. Whore.As silly as it sounds, I've come to the conclusion that I need to let myself be sad. I need to release the tears. But I've come to a newer conclusion just now that I need to fine tune this realization more carefully. Because Seattle is damp enough-
The Waiiiiaiaiting is the Hardest Part
Now that you are mostly caught up on that part of my past, I feel as thought I can continue with my present.
I am 25 years old. I do not have a ton of credentials but I am proud of what I have done.
However, I still have a lot to do and learn.
One such example is I have no idea how to fight. I do not know how to stand up for myself. I was raised with manners, never spunk. And if I am in a fight with you you probably won't know it because the fight will be in my imagination as I will rarely confront you. I've heard it said that if it's for someone else, you should fight. If it's for you, walk away. I have had a lot of spare time recently and I have started to write an evaluation of myself. I noticed that I am a people pleaser. I started focusing my attention on realizing how demonic this actually is. We know that you cannot serve both Christ and live to please people.
I am not a big fan of taking scripture out of context in order to prove my point and Lord correct me if I'm wrong on this one, but Galatians 1:10 tells us, "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."
And James 4:4 states, "You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God."
In order to justify to myself my need to please people, I tell myself that I want people to think highly of me because I represent Christ, and if I'm an ass- what will they think of my Lord.
The thing He has taught me about that is that it is my job only to represent Him as He demands, and as with all things in life, we are never responsible for other peoples' reactions. Period. If I am following Christ and if He is pleased with me, then the perceptions of others are between them and God.
That's refreshing to me.
Now of course, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much effort I put in, I am human, and I am sinful by nature. Now that is not an excuse to make foolish decisions, but it does pose the question (as did DC Talk) What If I Stumble? God tells us in Philippians 1:6 that, "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Obviously, we are not perfect, we will stumble, and we will make terrible decisions- sometimes on purpose- but one day, we will not struggle with our sinful nature. That is so exciting to me. And while all my life experiences are so wonderful to me and I do not wish them to be over any time soon- I do wait for the day when I don't have to struggle with such mortal problems. And I think we can all agree with our dear friends Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers that The Waiiiiaiaiaiting is the hardest part.
I am 25 years old. I do not have a ton of credentials but I am proud of what I have done.
However, I still have a lot to do and learn.
One such example is I have no idea how to fight. I do not know how to stand up for myself. I was raised with manners, never spunk. And if I am in a fight with you you probably won't know it because the fight will be in my imagination as I will rarely confront you. I've heard it said that if it's for someone else, you should fight. If it's for you, walk away. I have had a lot of spare time recently and I have started to write an evaluation of myself. I noticed that I am a people pleaser. I started focusing my attention on realizing how demonic this actually is. We know that you cannot serve both Christ and live to please people.
I am not a big fan of taking scripture out of context in order to prove my point and Lord correct me if I'm wrong on this one, but Galatians 1:10 tells us, "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."
And James 4:4 states, "You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God."
In order to justify to myself my need to please people, I tell myself that I want people to think highly of me because I represent Christ, and if I'm an ass- what will they think of my Lord.
The thing He has taught me about that is that it is my job only to represent Him as He demands, and as with all things in life, we are never responsible for other peoples' reactions. Period. If I am following Christ and if He is pleased with me, then the perceptions of others are between them and God.
That's refreshing to me.
Now of course, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much effort I put in, I am human, and I am sinful by nature. Now that is not an excuse to make foolish decisions, but it does pose the question (as did DC Talk) What If I Stumble? God tells us in Philippians 1:6 that, "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Obviously, we are not perfect, we will stumble, and we will make terrible decisions- sometimes on purpose- but one day, we will not struggle with our sinful nature. That is so exciting to me. And while all my life experiences are so wonderful to me and I do not wish them to be over any time soon- I do wait for the day when I don't have to struggle with such mortal problems. And I think we can all agree with our dear friends Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers that The Waiiiiaiaiaiting is the hardest part.
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