My Chiffon Cape

When I was (meh, we'll say 8. Ish.) I received a package in the mail from my fabulous Grandma Anna. This part of the memory is vague, but my guess is it was either in July (my birthday), or December (Christmas). I opened the parcel and there inside was a gorgeous dress that I was going to have so much fun wearing. It was maroon and knee length and all sorts of wonderful. I ran and showed my mom. Holding it up in the air and running through the house with it draped over my shoulders like a sort of layered chiffon cape. My mother beat me to my room and grabbed a hanger from my closet and extended her hand to take the dress. I refused. I held it to my chest in a full bear hug and swung side to side with it exclaiming how much I loved my grandmother for giving me this dress. My mom, getting a little tired of the fiasco extended her hand again. And again I refused to give it to her as I swayed saying, "I love grandma Anna! I love her! I love my grandma Anna! Grandma Anna is my lover!"
My mother abruptly withdrew her hand and scolded me. "Don't say that."
"But why not, it's true! I love her and she is my lover."
I will never forget this moment so long as I live and I will fight anyone who states that it happened otherwise.
My mom dropped the hanger to the floor and said, "A lover is someone you have sex with." and then immediately left the room.
That is the only time to my recollection I have talked to my mom about sex. Which is absolutely more than fine with me.
You can imagine my shock, dismay and curiosity when 4 years later I heard the words sung (beautifully) from the church stage, "Jesus, lover of my soul". I mean really, exactly what were they insinuating? If this is surface level I have accidentally gotten myself involved in some really kinky business. Immature I know, but truly, a kid has a right to question...
Why was I so uncomfortable with these words? I believe it's based on the conversation I had with my mom (that fateful day), but I think the un-comfort level goes even further than that. Maybe it's because the only sex talk I ever really had came from my best friend in elementary school who filled me in on what on the activities witnessed on a pay per view television program ("You'll never guess what I saw!"). Maybe because the topic of sex was never discussed in my house (Praise be to God), or maybe because I always sort of saw it as a sticky, dirty mess. A very primal instinct, the solution for the animal like gyrations that seem to occur on a monthly rotation (so many pieces I'd yet to put together). But I never saw it as anything more than an animalistic need. And then it hit me. Well, what should have hit me then I realized just now. Everything (no really, everything) I knew about sex I'd learned from my friend who'd learned it from the accidental viewing of a porno. It really was very primal. And it was really not very intimate.
Intimate, there's a scary word for you. If you'll let your mind come out of the gutter for some fresh air, I will tell you that I have experienced intimacy with people. (Just not the sexy time kind). Even though I feel this, I would still have a hard time defining it. I have never really felt like I knew what the word means- in any respect. For example, when I was in 8th grade, I was walking through a Target store with my dear friend Anna. We walked past the lingerie setion and I saw my first nighty.
"That's a really cute dress!" I exclaimed "Kinda see through".
"Lisa. That's not a dress." corrected Anna.
You see. I had no understanding of intimates, and I had no understanding of intimacy.
To say I understand intimacy today would be a lie. I have friends, both genders, whom I am or was at one point very close with. Yet I find myself still confused by the subject matter. If I were to say I understand fully and am not afraid of/confused by the idea of intimacy with my Savior, I would advise you to not stand under a tall tree or powerlines with me (get it? because lightening?).


I believe that part of my problem is that I have been looking at things from a completely wrong view point. I have definitely been people focused in my quest to find knowledge on intimacy. Merriam- Webster defines intimacy as, "The state of being intimate: FAMILIARITY" (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/intimacy). I'm wondering if Merriam's English teacher ever told him not to use the word in the definition? I do like the second part, however; where it speaks (in one word) about a familiarity.


Immediately, John 10:4 pops into my mind  "And when he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice."


This is a beautiful concept for me. I often times get a very discouraged heart when I'm going through a hard time and cannot seem to decipher the Lord's will for me. In 2007 when I was attending Univerity at Central Michigan I was having a particularly hard time trying to figure out what to do with my life. It was my first senior year and I had just discovered I was not going to graduate on account of failing an English class. Here I was, a failure of a child having to repeat the most basic course offered in my school. I had no idea what I wanted to do or who I was supposed to be. I was definitely falling victim to the lies of the enemy- but I still did not feel like I could positively identify what the Lord was saying to me. I could not comfortably verbalize what God's purpose was for me at that time.


As I drove to work, I heard a new song come on the radio.


**I interuprt this program to fill you in on some of my personal history so that you will be able to fully understand where I am going with my radio story**


When I was little... 4+... my dad would often (everytime we were near music) play a game with me where he would play his radio stations or media that featured his favorite musicians (anything classic rock). I would get brownie points if I could correctly identify the artist and song title, but I had to know it from heart (baracuda). My dad's favorite was when "No Sugar Tonight" was playing. My dad would ask, "Guess Who sings this?" to which I would respond, "True". As I grew older and I realized that other genres of music besides classic rock existed, I began to play this game with myself when listening to music. Yes, sometimes I can even identify a song as early as really early in the song.


**I return**


The song was Nelly Fertado's, "Say it Right". I had never heard it before, but I knew it was Nelly before the first stanza was over. Why did this make me distraught? I realized that I had become more familiar with Nelly's voice than I was with my own Savior's. There's a chance that I'm over spiritualizing this but I think it is a problem with people today. We want to know God's heart but yet we don't even recognize his voice because we never listen to Him. Silly earthlings.


It's come to my attention that I am constantly proposing questions yet fail to answer them. Which is why it would be nerve racking to me if I ever popped the question to myself. I would sure be left in a lot of suspsense.


Well I suspect that I follow my thoughts easier than you do, so let me quote a more articulate person to bring you up to speed. I was listening to a Pastor (Paul Washer) who said that every relationship on earth is set as an example of the relationship humans have with God. For example, marriage is an example of God's relationship with man. The relationship between a parent and child is to further explain the relationship God has between himself and man. Of course he said this more eloquently and did not leave room for confusion about the terrible relationships people have established with each other (abusive boyfriend v. battered girlfriend; malicious boss v. oppressed worker) but as I listened to this sermon (some time ago) I realized that any understanding of intimancy between humans will need to be taught to me through an intimate relationship with God- not through people's misguided perceptions. Please understand that this is going to very a very awkward and most likely lengthy process. However, I would love to share with you as I learn. It is always a skosh unnerving for me to share such intimate (there it is again) details with you but if He makes me an example, so be it. As my once friend who goes by the stage name, "Le Professeur" sings, "Jesus gave his life in offering, for the ones who could care less. So when I felt like quitting on you, I asked for Jesus to bring out my best. And he showed us all the garbage, that I didn't want you to see. So now I'm wavin' my flag of surrender, and I'm saying that Jesus can lead."
Basically, that's what I'm doing here.