That Little Slut: Part I

The problem with the spoken word is that anyone can speak and when they do- they feel as though their words are monumental enough to claim all the ears in the room. That's why I have always loved the written word: it is easier to ignore. Just ask my homework. Just kidding, I feel the written word has always held some sort of... position in my head. Some type of authority. It used to take a lot to get your words into the world for people to read them. You had to have an interesting story, or a talent... a publisher. But in this generation of blogging and twitter and facebook statuses- everyone feels compelled to put their every freakin move online for others to see. "Just grabbed a soft drink and scratched my balls. Raise the Roof". It's pathetic. And I know I am absolutely a culprit (of abusing the blogosphere- not of ball scratching) but the difference is- I don't care if anyone reads it. I quite prefer it actually.

So why the "S" word? Well, it is an example of what happens when people think others give a shit about them. I am not ashamed to tell you that I was recently a subscriber to Glamour. I loved it. It made me want more things than I ever needed but all in all I thought it a very nice magazine.

Until one day they featured this little joke of a Morman. Now I've got nothing against Morman's per se. But if I ever met this one in particular- I would probably punch her right in the mouth. For you see, her story was that she was 27 and a virgin. Cool. I thought- her, me and Steve Carrell- well til the last couple minutes of the movie anyway.

Then I proceeded to read. And this little harlot was describing how she would go out with men and they would french kiss. And she would perform fellatio on them, and they would... do things for her. This continues and she describes how she met a fly mutha ucka at a bar and went up to a hotel room with him. After digitally satisfying each other she decided that this finely sculpted specimen is just not worthy of her hymen and the poor man is left to finish what she started.

I envisioned people applauding her for her decision and I got angry.

Then the next month came and the magazine featured letters to the editor who were so happy for this chick and her decisions. "Way to keep to your guns! You should have a talk show." and "I've never been so proud of a virgin! Keep those knees glued sweetlove!"

I was miffed. This bitch was was no virgin. I mean, technically she was. But surely she and I did not share the same title. I had yet to partake in an "over the sweater" type of action. And the closest I'd come to viewing erotica was my collection of Colin Firth movies.*

My friend Ana always says, "Don't hold onto your virginity as if it's a piece of gold, it's not, it's just a piece of tissue..." And I will always love Ana. And I know it's not gold (yikes) but I feel like I've made it this far, may as well prevail. I feel like you can make mistakes in your youth and give it up to some guppy eyed dillhole when you're 15 because he buys you flowers and compliments your sweater vest because it "brings out the hot in your eyes". But when you are 25- I feel like you should just simply be smarter than that. As my favorite female named Stevie once sang, "Players only love you when they're playin". I suppose, at this point in time, it would be trite to sleep with someone just for the sake of checking it off my bucketlist.

But this entry is not about me. It's about that little urchin and her schemes. It's just like when people who eat fish still consider themselves a vegetarian. Technically? Yes. Realistically? Not so much. Which leads me to my point, just because you're only eating crotch meat (aka fish) does not qualify you as a v...egitarian.

No matter your stance on eating meat though, I suppose it important to note that the purpose of this message is just to vent about the fact that two people can seem to make the same life decision- but it looks completely different. A lot of wiggle room I suppose. (That's what she said).
*Copied somewhat from 30 Rock. I love Tina Fey and love whichever writer created that line